My natural tendency is to be a stuffer when it comes to emotional reactions.  On the outside, that can look good because the anger or hurt is much quieter in its expression, and there are those times when it actually is good because it prevents conflict from escalating in the immediate.  “Stuffing” as a habit though gives no release to anger and hurt, and rarely allows for resolution to be actively pursued, and because of that, anger piles up on top of anger and hurt piles up on top of hurt, until................  With teenagers at home, such a tendency can have disastrous results, because with conflict becoming very natural as young people seek to gain independence and express more and more of their own developing uniqueness, a parent can often push a little harder to enforce parental guidelines.  I had to learn how to “respond” much more quickly than I “reacted,” because the reaction could become that “low boil” just below the surface.  It didn’t “look” too bad, until I had “stuffed” much more than I am capable of, and then, “low boil” could turn into “eruption.”   As a believer, wanting to please God, I could rationalize that the “low boil” was more appropriately “Christ-like,” but the “eruption” was an ugly slash, a dark assault against any attempt to be Christ-like.  At that point, “stuffing” was replaced with self-condemnation and a sense of unworthiness that withdrew from the God I so much wanted to imitate.  Yes, I needed to learn how to effectively face both conflict and emotional responses to conflict, and I have learned much in those areas, but I also needed to learn the acceptance of my own human inadequacies and failures, not to the extent of excusing them, but to the degree I was willing to acknowledge that I can’t and won’t be “perfect” or Christ-like in every situation.  

And some of you will have a hard time with that concept because we are continually urged to “mature,” to grow and become and strive for “holiness” in every facet of our desires, our attitudes, our words, and our behaviors.  And, we should.  But, if we cannot accept the fact of our own humanness, we will waste our God-given potential by degrading ourselves or by giving up in our pursuit of Christlikeness.  We will retreat from the very God who wants to help us, the one who is able to give us the grace to live life as fully as is possible within our still human existence.  I call it, “The Hands.”   With one hand, I must grasp the reality of a sin nature that still lives within me, and that will still fall short of Christlikeness, even when I want to do otherwise.  And with the other hand, I must continually reach for God’s help and God’s grace.  Yes, I will confess my wrongdoing, but I will hold onto the potential God has for me, a potential that depends on Him, delights in Him, and continues to learn all I can about Him, and even about myself, a potential that reaches to complete His purposes and plans for me.  

I am all too human ... I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it.  Instead, I do what I hate. ... I want to do what is right, but I can’t.  I want to do what is good, but I don’t.  I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. ... I have discovered this principle of life - that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.  I love God’s law with all my heart.  But there is another power within me ... Who will free me from this life? ... The answer is in Jesus ........

– Bev